(If you read the previous post, this is the one that got away. I know your interest was piqued and that you were dying to see what wonderfully tasty ways I arranged my words and thoughts... So, imagine it's last Sunday, and read on.)
My rotten momma is haunting me. Today in church we sang a song that punched me in the gut with missing her - First Song of Isaiah (Surely it is God who saves me, I will trust in Him and not be afraid...) -and I haven't recovered just yet. For years now I've "heard" her singing in church and gone all emotional, even before she was most ill, and now that she is dead and conveniently unavailable to take my calls, it hurts more. Of course, the poignant thing is not just that I could hear her voice and feel her presence and miss her terribly, but that the message of that song is what I most needed (and perhaps, least wanted) to hear these days. And honestly, I'm not crazy about the song itself - and I don't really recall if she was or not, either, but she was surely singing it directly to me today. And I like to think maybe she was crying, too.
Anyway, I sneak out and get some kleenex (mental note - bring my own) and sneak back in and make it through the rest of the service just fine with my smiley face on. But my priest pulled me aside after the service (before he shook any hands) and told me he felt like I was feeling empty and alone lately. (Welcome back, waterworks.) He's right, of course, and I am, and I don't want to be. But he noticed, and that felt good. I think. I really do reserve my most blitheringly idiotic moments for church, it seems, so I think the people there think I am more miserable than I really am. Maybe they're right. But church is an important part of who I am and I am not feeling fed right now, but I don't really have what it takes to be part of the solution there. I am also too "home" there to go a-wandering looking for another place. So, I plod onward.
Whew. I miss my momma and I miss me. I am trying and trying to reconnect to whoever I am or was or will be, but I am so busy going through the motions that I keep missing something. So, this control freak is going to do what she is able to do, and leave the rest to God and happenstance. But that is soooooooo hard.
For the Lord is my stronghold and my sure defense, and He will be my savior...
No comments:
Post a Comment