Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Today's expense analysis

New A/C unit: $1870

Trip to Doctor: $15 copay

Brunch at Arby's because the news from the doctor wasn't enough to deter me from ordering the LARGE: $7.46

Quick trip to Target: + $37 (return), -$70 (gifts for friend and administrative professionals)

Unsweetened Tea in school cafeteria: $1.25 (yeah, I know...)

Unpaid ETV pledge: $120

Time used poorly: 5 hours (so far)

Not having made any progress on my paper or on studying for the Praxis? Typical.

Mood: Surprisingly not worried about finances, paper, praxis, or work.

Now that's priceless.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How I am

People always want to know how everyone is. Truth is, that whole "how are you?" thing is just a social norm...most folks who ask it don't really want to know.

But if you are really wondering how I am, I don't even know how to answer that.

For starters, I just went back to my April 20, 2008 (which was written so late at night that it posted as April 21) blog post to see what I had said about my daddy on the day of his death. Then I remembered having pondered his health and mortality earlier that month or so, and I backed up to my March posts. I was punched and blessed with a picture of my daddy taken at my Beth's graduation. I've been moping around here like a kicked puppy for a few days and when I saw that shot of him, I finally had the good cry I've been needing.

At 7:30 tomorrow morning the nice man from the heating and air company will be here to analyze our potentially dead compressor. Whatever needs fixing will not be cheap, and A/C is not optional here!

Then I go to the doctor at 9:30 to find out that I am about 35 pounds overweight, have high cholesterol, a little hypothyroid, elevating blood pressure, and to discuss how well (or not so much) I've been dealing with my chronic mild depression. Most people would never suspect that I can be a total Eeyore inside, despite my chronic optimism and playfulness. Thing is, most people mistake playfulness and hopefulness for happiness, which is not always the case. The first two are intentional mindsets, the last a little harder to come by.

At 11:30 I report to my job for the rest of the day. I love my kids, and I love working with them and watching them become improved people, but I do not always love my colleagues and I generally loathe the hoops through which we must make our children and ourselves jump. I am seriously in a funk about potential (inevitable) funding shortfalls which might cut my position altogether next year. I do not like the competitive and bitter me that this anxiety has brought to the surface. I am having to work REALLY hard to keep a smile on my face when I know that my performance as a teacher and my passion for teaching and learning mean nothing when it comes down to who will have a job next year and who will not. Then, that darn optimism sneaks in, and I know that all will be well and right for me and mine, no matter what. Then I feel like an ass for being so whiny. And so on...

I have a ton of work to do for a graduate project due Friday at 5PM, then PRAXIS for Social Studies (URG) on Saturday. Not feeling like working on either of those things, but really need to so as not to exacerbate the job-uncertainty situation. Both seem meaningless if I am not to be working next year, but something seems right and proactive about giving these tasks a valid and valiant effort, sooooo...

Husband is really feeling stressed on his job for the first time in a long time. His department is down a few heads and he isn't sure he'll get to replace the most recent departure. Couple that with two furloughs for everyone in his department, plus a pay reduction to boot, and he's crabby and anxious about work. He is working so hard and I am not really treating him nicely enough (I'm really busy with my aforementioned self-deprecation). Maybe we are looking at some big changes for us all. What the heck...we've gone a whole year without any real challenges, so maybe we're due.

Ooooh, and property taxes are due on the cars. Glad I opened THAT bill today.

The sewer people left us a nasty message today, as did the power company. We always have enough money for these things, just not always the proper motivation to get them paid in a timely fashion. GOT to get back in that mode of sitting down and updating the quicken and paying the bills... One more task for my morning "off" tomorrow to prevent those seemingly important utilities from being disconnected!

But, I have a crazy sweet dog, a beautiful family, and like I said, I love the kids I work with. My good neighbor-buddy has twins coming for me to bounce this summer and there will soon be a time to relax. (Won't there?) I have it much better than many, and I truly do recognize how fortunate I am, but I need to whine sometimes and I can't think of a better outlet than this blog!

Crikey. It's getting late and I have to hit the ground running tomorrow. Maybe the doctor will have some answers in little brown bottles for this pissy attitude I am feeling of late. Or maybe just this little venting will help. Either way, it's bedtime.

Good night.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

It's been a long time...

Just feeling compelled to post a little something since I haven't in FOREVER. Much randomness promised.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my daddy's death. (See post from last year about yahrzeits.) I miss him. It's so weird how my mourning for him was so delayed because of my angst about mama. I allow myself a few hours of self-pity every now and then, but I have so many blessings that it is hard to wallow.

I REALLY hope I have a job next year. I love what I do! Yes, it's tiring. Yes, it's demanding. But, it is so satisfying. AND, I feel like a freaking rock star every time I walk down the hall. You gotta love that! BUT, if the budget is so shot that they eliminate all of us who don't yet have continuing contracts, I think I really might look into some environmental education possibilities. I'd love to own/operate a Lake Murray Ecotours sort of thing...

Big project due this week for my graduate class (essentially, I have to create a vision of my classroom and plan for teaching reading next year...), PLUS I am taking PRAXIS II for Social Studies on Saturday. I continue to be amazed at how little history I actually know - and secretly, how little I truly give a rip about - so I am hoping the gods of odds will be on my side and that the answer to most everything will indeed be C.

I am about to shower and head to town with the kids. I love that we call it "going to town" when really we are not that far out in the country. Heck, they're building a new WalMart three miles away. But, I like the idea that we go to town with intentionality. I remember going to Wilmington as a kid - every time seemed like a great adventure with promises of Whoppers from KMart and either Burger King or McDonald's on the way home, depending on whether momma wanted to pay taxes to Brunswick or New Hanover County. That's probably a whole blog entry in itself...

I LOVE my new washer and dryer. LOVE them. I have moved beyond watching the laundry as it tumbles about in the machines, but I have nothing but joy about having those two energy-efficient and durable goods!

I can't wait to spend time in my house with my kids this summer. As much as I love my job, I do live playing house, as well, and I look forward to seeing what I get around to doing around here as the summer days come upon us. I also am looking forward to some time at the beach. I miss the sea. Our former next-door neighbors are moving to Knoxville, and I anticipate we will try to get the kids together in the mountains for some camping, too. Sweeeeeet.

Time to go grocery shopping. I love seeing just how much I can get for the smallest amount of money. I still don't really like planning dinner, but I do enjoy the thrill of using doubled coupons
in conjunction with half off sales to get cheap stuff.

And so, I am off. Not so entertaining, dear ones, but oddly refreshing to have entered a little something in this "space."