Thursday, August 30, 2007

FOUND IT: Missing Marie, Missing Me

(If you read the previous post, this is the one that got away. I know your interest was piqued and that you were dying to see what wonderfully tasty ways I arranged my words and thoughts... So, imagine it's last Sunday, and read on.)

My rotten momma is haunting me. Today in church we sang a song that punched me in the gut with missing her - First Song of Isaiah (Surely it is God who saves me, I will trust in Him and not be afraid...) -and I haven't recovered just yet. For years now I've "heard" her singing in church and gone all emotional, even before she was most ill, and now that she is dead and conveniently unavailable to take my calls, it hurts more. Of course, the poignant thing is not just that I could hear her voice and feel her presence and miss her terribly, but that the message of that song is what I most needed (and perhaps, least wanted) to hear these days. And honestly, I'm not crazy about the song itself - and I don't really recall if she was or not, either, but she was surely singing it directly to me today. And I like to think maybe she was crying, too.

Anyway, I sneak out and get some kleenex (mental note - bring my own) and sneak back in and make it through the rest of the service just fine with my smiley face on. But my priest pulled me aside after the service (before he shook any hands) and told me he felt like I was feeling empty and alone lately. (Welcome back, waterworks.) He's right, of course, and I am, and I don't want to be. But he noticed, and that felt good. I think. I really do reserve my most blitheringly idiotic moments for church, it seems, so I think the people there think I am more miserable than I really am. Maybe they're right. But church is an important part of who I am and I am not feeling fed right now, but I don't really have what it takes to be part of the solution there. I am also too "home" there to go a-wandering looking for another place. So, I plod onward.

Whew. I miss my momma and I miss me. I am trying and trying to reconnect to whoever I am or was or will be, but I am so busy going through the motions that I keep missing something. So, this control freak is going to do what she is able to do, and leave the rest to God and happenstance. But that is soooooooo hard.

For the Lord is my stronghold and my sure defense, and He will be my savior...

Blog errors and internet woes

Sunday I spent about thirty minutes pouring my guts into this silly blogspot about aloneness and emptiness and loss and change and all of my other thirty-something angst, and darned if the stinkin' modem didn't choose the exact moment I clicked POST to disconnect. Anyway, by the time I got it back online, I had managed to lose the woe-is-me post-from-hell in cyberspace.

Here's it in a nutshell: I miss my momma. I miss ME. I cried like an idiot about a song in church (First Song of Isaiah - "Surely it is God who saves me, I will trust in Him and not be afraid, for the Lord is my stronghold and my sure defence, and he will be my Savior.") and struggled to recover from Poor Meesh Syndrome (not to be confused with the other PMS) all day.

See, you didn't need to read it all anyway - I guess I just needed to write it.

I'm sure there's a way to recover it, since I just noticed that my drafts are autosaved, but I haven't figured it out yet, and at this point, why bother?

My next post will be pleasant and delightful - maybe - since I have done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy and happy this week. It's bedtime (I'm REALLY trying to get to sleep earlier) and I have an exceptionally full day tomorrow since my boss will be on his way to the Bahamas and I'm in charge.

In case I don't get back to this and in case anyone is actually reading, have a great long weekend!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Back to School and such

When we started this blog, I thought for sure I would be on it posting uncontrollably, or at least daily... I suppose it would be a pitiful state of existence if I lived to blog, so I'm forgiving myself!

BACK TO SCHOOL! Woohoo! I am almost excited about the normalcy and structure that the school year brings. Summer is delightfully random, but trying to work from home with both kids in tow is a tremendous pain. Some of you know I've recently realized that I am both ready and wanting to be back in a school setting. I am always happiest when I am volunteering or visiting the kids' classrooms or just hanging out in the waiting area at pick-up time... My last experience in front of the classroom reminded me how very hard it can be to juggle teaching full-time and parenting full-time, so I thought I'd apply for a position as an assistant. Well, I reckon my years of experience and qualifications are not enough to get a return call from the district office in these parts, as I have not been interviewed (nor, needless to say, hired) at this point. I suppose it would have helped for me to apply earlier in the summer when there were more openings and fewer applicants, but I didn't have my AHA! moment until it was almost too late to do anything about it. Turns out other totally qualified folks I know have had the same problem - the district office won't call back. Disturbing, but I am not giving up.

The hard part about all of it, other than the blow to the old ego, is the trusting God part. I am always pretty certain about what I WANT to do or what I am WILLING to do, but I am not always in tune with what the Almighty would have me do. It seemed like a no-brainer -I apply, they call me, they hire me, I'm happy, the end. But, it isn't working out that way. I wonder what is up God's sleeve?

Now, I have a perfectly lovely job - my boss is completely wonderful and supportive, he lets me define the way I want to work, my hours are completely flexible, and the pay is certainly decent. BUT, the flexibility means I am always doing a little here and a little there and by day's end, I feel like I've been working all day, even if I've only put in four or five hours total. There's very little about real estate in general that makes me feel like I'm making a positive difference in the world - sure, I suppose I make a difference to the clients I work with, and I know I've made a difference in my boss's world, but as much as I enjoy his company, I really grow weary of doing something I don't love.

What a whiner, eh? Good job, good boss, good money, but not satisfied. Wah wah wah, Meesh, right? But I know it is possible to be both employed AND happy with what you do... I am just waiting for those things to coincide.

Maybe this is why I don't blog a lot - I get started and can't seem to finish. It isn't like I don't have a TON to do - for work, for the kids, around the house, for my volunteer positions... but it is a pleasure to just sit and write and vent a bit. Even if nobody will ever read it!

Anyway, if you happen to read this, say a little prayer for me and mine for the new school year. I am going to throw my name in the hat to substitute (even though I can't make a living of it) and see what the ten-day count brings... Then I'm going to get my certification current so I can pursue more positions... Then I'll probably be back on here complaining. Crazy.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Oh my, we have a blog.

Jim's parents are coming tomorrow and our house is in the you-gotta-freakin-be-kiddin-me mode, so instead of cleaning, like we should be, we've created a blog. Cause what I need is one more thing to do to waste time, right?

Hope you all enjoy the occasional musings, rants, and tales of our little family in our little house in the big woods (wait, I think that was already taken...).