I've always been a weepy sensitive chick, which I am sure some of you will find not at all surprising and others will find beyond shocking, but I am easily moved by both the awesome beauty and heartwrenching ugliness of this world of ours. I can remember being a young teenager and crying as one of the little girls in our church played her violin. No trip to volunteer at the Special Olympics was complete without a good boohoo. Little House on the Prairie episodes, Kodak commercials, whatever. I'm a weeper. Heck, one of the ever-so-many reasons I avoid church of late is that I can't make it through a service without a good weep caused by my haint of a momma. (Yes, "haint." That old woman haunts me.)
So imagine the Hays Party of 4 watching "Marley and Me" this weekend. I have avoided this movie with all of my being because I had heard about its tearjerking ending and just didn't feel like playing. I for SURE wasn't about to go see it at the movie theater where I might not be able to make it out of the theater unassisted.
Now y'all know I love my Casey. And I still ache, years after their deaths, for my firstborn, Esther, and my bulldog, Abby. So I knew pretty quickly into the film that this was going to get ugly. I was doing fine, enjoying the humor and all that stuff, until a scene early in the film where Jennifer Anniston was comforted by her pooch. All too real. I was transported to a rotten spring day in 1996 when my dear muttbaby was exactly who I needed to overcome a little woe-is-me grief. I started crying and laughed at my fool self and said to my Jimmy, "Oh, this is going to get ugly."
All through the movie, Austin, who had already seen it, kept checking on me to see whether I was moved by the same parts that bothered him. At some point, Kori and Austin were both snuggled face first into Caseydog on the couch. I found myself reaching for her every now and then. WE all progressed from touched to weeping to sobbing uncontrollably. By the end, Kori, also a weeper, was an ugly mess, just like her momma. We're talking snot-bubble producing, upper-body trembling, can't even talk, laughing oddly at yourself kind of ugly cry.
And boy, did it feel good. I don't think I've had that kind of totally cathartic, completely cleansing, make your gut hurt kind of cry in a long while. Not even with the events of the past few years. I needed it, I think. Puts everything in perspective. Reminds you how good life is. Makes you see the people you love and remember to hold them gently and enjoy them fully.
Great movie. Cry and all. If you've never known the genuine love of a good dog, you won't get it, I don't think. But if you have, you'll give thanks for their companionship, their unfailing love, their model for humanity. Go rent it. Grab a hankie. Watch it with someone you love, the furrier the better.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Playing with the background
Man, I want to learn to edit html so I can create my very own blog template. Meanwhile, I'm toying with some ready-made ones. Of course, my widgets are all gone, so I'll be forced (ouch!) to tinker with those another day.
And truly, I should be reading right now.
Anyway, enjoy all the ridiculous changes I throw out here over the next little while.
And truly, I should be reading right now.
Anyway, enjoy all the ridiculous changes I throw out here over the next little while.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Killing trees
New printer cartridge - $20
Pack of Office grade printer paper - $5
Saving trees by printing double sided - priceless.
Here's the problem with Blackboard, the online resource for college classes these days: Instead of students buying a good old Kinko's/Copytron coursepack like we did back in the day, some poor graduate assistant sap has to scan and upload a gazillion documents for students to access. Sounds pretty earth-friendly, eco-happy, tree-loving, yes?
Turns out you have to print most of this junk anyway to be able to use it in the class, mark it up with margin notes and highlighters (yes, I am so old school like that), or access it later in life with ease.
During the school year, I usually laser-print it all double-sided at school (don't tell the district, eh?) but with summer here, I figured I'd be responsible and do it at home.
Mind you, I've now invested $30 for this session's printing extravaganza, plus the $3 for a binder to put all this in. My trusty HP deskjet only has a manual double-sided feature (alas). So, here I sit, clicking and printing and turning pages and clicking and printing and so on until I grow too weary of this tedium or finish, whichever comes first. but I'm saving trees. Sort of. Right?
Pack of Office grade printer paper - $5
Saving trees by printing double sided - priceless.
Here's the problem with Blackboard, the online resource for college classes these days: Instead of students buying a good old Kinko's/Copytron coursepack like we did back in the day, some poor graduate assistant sap has to scan and upload a gazillion documents for students to access. Sounds pretty earth-friendly, eco-happy, tree-loving, yes?
Turns out you have to print most of this junk anyway to be able to use it in the class, mark it up with margin notes and highlighters (yes, I am so old school like that), or access it later in life with ease.
During the school year, I usually laser-print it all double-sided at school (don't tell the district, eh?) but with summer here, I figured I'd be responsible and do it at home.
Mind you, I've now invested $30 for this session's printing extravaganza, plus the $3 for a binder to put all this in. My trusty HP deskjet only has a manual double-sided feature (alas). So, here I sit, clicking and printing and turning pages and clicking and printing and so on until I grow too weary of this tedium or finish, whichever comes first. but I'm saving trees. Sort of. Right?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
No TV
About an hour and a half ago, our entirely-too-large flat screen TV went black. Husband has been messing with it since then, and has determined that we have a power issue with it. It will reset and work for a few seconds, then go black again. DVR is fine...it's the TV.
Dangit! I missed the Housewives and will have to watch them online tomorrow, I reckon, if the TV hasn't been been off long enough by then to be all better.
And it sure seems quiet in here.
Because TV is a family value around here, paying the bills and all, we tend to think nothing of having it on all the time. Heck, in Arkansas, we had more TV's than we had people in our house. We only have three now - one in the living room, one in the playroom, and one in our bedroom (yeah, whatever, all you perfect people out there). We LIKE our shows - is that so wrong?
What is wrong, I guess, is that it is on all the time (hence the power issue?) whether we are really watching something in particular or not. I'm already anticipating summer and all the Nicke-fricke-lodeon to which my poor brain will be exposed, not to mention those of my little people. Maybe this will be a good opportunity for us to examine those values and consider NOT repairing or replacing the TV immediately.
Or maybe we'll all just spend more time in our rooms.
Either way, the dryer is beeping (still not used to that, but that's another post altogether) and I should go hang some clothes on my way to bed.
Then I think I might just have to see what's on before I go to sleep, eh?
Dangit! I missed the Housewives and will have to watch them online tomorrow, I reckon, if the TV hasn't been been off long enough by then to be all better.
And it sure seems quiet in here.
Because TV is a family value around here, paying the bills and all, we tend to think nothing of having it on all the time. Heck, in Arkansas, we had more TV's than we had people in our house. We only have three now - one in the living room, one in the playroom, and one in our bedroom (yeah, whatever, all you perfect people out there). We LIKE our shows - is that so wrong?
What is wrong, I guess, is that it is on all the time (hence the power issue?) whether we are really watching something in particular or not. I'm already anticipating summer and all the Nicke-fricke-lodeon to which my poor brain will be exposed, not to mention those of my little people. Maybe this will be a good opportunity for us to examine those values and consider NOT repairing or replacing the TV immediately.
Or maybe we'll all just spend more time in our rooms.
Either way, the dryer is beeping (still not used to that, but that's another post altogether) and I should go hang some clothes on my way to bed.
Then I think I might just have to see what's on before I go to sleep, eh?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Today's expense analysis
New A/C unit: $1870
Trip to Doctor: $15 copay
Brunch at Arby's because the news from the doctor wasn't enough to deter me from ordering the LARGE: $7.46
Quick trip to Target: + $37 (return), -$70 (gifts for friend and administrative professionals)
Unsweetened Tea in school cafeteria: $1.25 (yeah, I know...)
Unpaid ETV pledge: $120
Time used poorly: 5 hours (so far)
Not having made any progress on my paper or on studying for the Praxis? Typical.
Mood: Surprisingly not worried about finances, paper, praxis, or work.
Now that's priceless.
Trip to Doctor: $15 copay
Brunch at Arby's because the news from the doctor wasn't enough to deter me from ordering the LARGE: $7.46
Quick trip to Target: + $37 (return), -$70 (gifts for friend and administrative professionals)
Unsweetened Tea in school cafeteria: $1.25 (yeah, I know...)
Unpaid ETV pledge: $120
Time used poorly: 5 hours (so far)
Not having made any progress on my paper or on studying for the Praxis? Typical.
Mood: Surprisingly not worried about finances, paper, praxis, or work.
Now that's priceless.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
How I am
People always want to know how everyone is. Truth is, that whole "how are you?" thing is just a social norm...most folks who ask it don't really want to know.
But if you are really wondering how I am, I don't even know how to answer that.
For starters, I just went back to my April 20, 2008 (which was written so late at night that it posted as April 21) blog post to see what I had said about my daddy on the day of his death. Then I remembered having pondered his health and mortality earlier that month or so, and I backed up to my March posts. I was punched and blessed with a picture of my daddy taken at my Beth's graduation. I've been moping around here like a kicked puppy for a few days and when I saw that shot of him, I finally had the good cry I've been needing.
At 7:30 tomorrow morning the nice man from the heating and air company will be here to analyze our potentially dead compressor. Whatever needs fixing will not be cheap, and A/C is not optional here!
Then I go to the doctor at 9:30 to find out that I am about 35 pounds overweight, have high cholesterol, a little hypothyroid, elevating blood pressure, and to discuss how well (or not so much) I've been dealing with my chronic mild depression. Most people would never suspect that I can be a total Eeyore inside, despite my chronic optimism and playfulness. Thing is, most people mistake playfulness and hopefulness for happiness, which is not always the case. The first two are intentional mindsets, the last a little harder to come by.
At 11:30 I report to my job for the rest of the day. I love my kids, and I love working with them and watching them become improved people, but I do not always love my colleagues and I generally loathe the hoops through which we must make our children and ourselves jump. I am seriously in a funk about potential (inevitable) funding shortfalls which might cut my position altogether next year. I do not like the competitive and bitter me that this anxiety has brought to the surface. I am having to work REALLY hard to keep a smile on my face when I know that my performance as a teacher and my passion for teaching and learning mean nothing when it comes down to who will have a job next year and who will not. Then, that darn optimism sneaks in, and I know that all will be well and right for me and mine, no matter what. Then I feel like an ass for being so whiny. And so on...
I have a ton of work to do for a graduate project due Friday at 5PM, then PRAXIS for Social Studies (URG) on Saturday. Not feeling like working on either of those things, but really need to so as not to exacerbate the job-uncertainty situation. Both seem meaningless if I am not to be working next year, but something seems right and proactive about giving these tasks a valid and valiant effort, sooooo...
Husband is really feeling stressed on his job for the first time in a long time. His department is down a few heads and he isn't sure he'll get to replace the most recent departure. Couple that with two furloughs for everyone in his department, plus a pay reduction to boot, and he's crabby and anxious about work. He is working so hard and I am not really treating him nicely enough (I'm really busy with my aforementioned self-deprecation). Maybe we are looking at some big changes for us all. What the heck...we've gone a whole year without any real challenges, so maybe we're due.
Ooooh, and property taxes are due on the cars. Glad I opened THAT bill today.
The sewer people left us a nasty message today, as did the power company. We always have enough money for these things, just not always the proper motivation to get them paid in a timely fashion. GOT to get back in that mode of sitting down and updating the quicken and paying the bills... One more task for my morning "off" tomorrow to prevent those seemingly important utilities from being disconnected!
But, I have a crazy sweet dog, a beautiful family, and like I said, I love the kids I work with. My good neighbor-buddy has twins coming for me to bounce this summer and there will soon be a time to relax. (Won't there?) I have it much better than many, and I truly do recognize how fortunate I am, but I need to whine sometimes and I can't think of a better outlet than this blog!
Crikey. It's getting late and I have to hit the ground running tomorrow. Maybe the doctor will have some answers in little brown bottles for this pissy attitude I am feeling of late. Or maybe just this little venting will help. Either way, it's bedtime.
Good night.
But if you are really wondering how I am, I don't even know how to answer that.
For starters, I just went back to my April 20, 2008 (which was written so late at night that it posted as April 21) blog post to see what I had said about my daddy on the day of his death. Then I remembered having pondered his health and mortality earlier that month or so, and I backed up to my March posts. I was punched and blessed with a picture of my daddy taken at my Beth's graduation. I've been moping around here like a kicked puppy for a few days and when I saw that shot of him, I finally had the good cry I've been needing.
At 7:30 tomorrow morning the nice man from the heating and air company will be here to analyze our potentially dead compressor. Whatever needs fixing will not be cheap, and A/C is not optional here!
Then I go to the doctor at 9:30 to find out that I am about 35 pounds overweight, have high cholesterol, a little hypothyroid, elevating blood pressure, and to discuss how well (or not so much) I've been dealing with my chronic mild depression. Most people would never suspect that I can be a total Eeyore inside, despite my chronic optimism and playfulness. Thing is, most people mistake playfulness and hopefulness for happiness, which is not always the case. The first two are intentional mindsets, the last a little harder to come by.
At 11:30 I report to my job for the rest of the day. I love my kids, and I love working with them and watching them become improved people, but I do not always love my colleagues and I generally loathe the hoops through which we must make our children and ourselves jump. I am seriously in a funk about potential (inevitable) funding shortfalls which might cut my position altogether next year. I do not like the competitive and bitter me that this anxiety has brought to the surface. I am having to work REALLY hard to keep a smile on my face when I know that my performance as a teacher and my passion for teaching and learning mean nothing when it comes down to who will have a job next year and who will not. Then, that darn optimism sneaks in, and I know that all will be well and right for me and mine, no matter what. Then I feel like an ass for being so whiny. And so on...
I have a ton of work to do for a graduate project due Friday at 5PM, then PRAXIS for Social Studies (URG) on Saturday. Not feeling like working on either of those things, but really need to so as not to exacerbate the job-uncertainty situation. Both seem meaningless if I am not to be working next year, but something seems right and proactive about giving these tasks a valid and valiant effort, sooooo...
Husband is really feeling stressed on his job for the first time in a long time. His department is down a few heads and he isn't sure he'll get to replace the most recent departure. Couple that with two furloughs for everyone in his department, plus a pay reduction to boot, and he's crabby and anxious about work. He is working so hard and I am not really treating him nicely enough (I'm really busy with my aforementioned self-deprecation). Maybe we are looking at some big changes for us all. What the heck...we've gone a whole year without any real challenges, so maybe we're due.
Ooooh, and property taxes are due on the cars. Glad I opened THAT bill today.
The sewer people left us a nasty message today, as did the power company. We always have enough money for these things, just not always the proper motivation to get them paid in a timely fashion. GOT to get back in that mode of sitting down and updating the quicken and paying the bills... One more task for my morning "off" tomorrow to prevent those seemingly important utilities from being disconnected!
But, I have a crazy sweet dog, a beautiful family, and like I said, I love the kids I work with. My good neighbor-buddy has twins coming for me to bounce this summer and there will soon be a time to relax. (Won't there?) I have it much better than many, and I truly do recognize how fortunate I am, but I need to whine sometimes and I can't think of a better outlet than this blog!
Crikey. It's getting late and I have to hit the ground running tomorrow. Maybe the doctor will have some answers in little brown bottles for this pissy attitude I am feeling of late. Or maybe just this little venting will help. Either way, it's bedtime.
Good night.
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